SEX OFFENDERS: METHODS AND TERMS

Since the scientific value of any piece of research is determined in large part by the methods employed it is incumbent on the scientist to describe them. Our interviewing techniques have been amply dealt with in prior publications, our sampling method is discussed in the next chapter, so here we shall deal with method solely in the sense of data processing and exposition, making explicit the assumptions underlying our methodology.

One of our basic assumptions is that our data are unsuited to elaborate statistical treatment, and that measures of statistical significance and expected variation are not ordinarily helpful, since our data are not derived from probability sampling. Our philosophy might be summed up thus: if an inference cannot be justified by simple statistical techniques, it should either be discarded or labeled as a speculation. In choosing simplicity of method we have not, however, tolerated crudity where it was avoidable. Simplicity of method is a form of honesty—a rejection of the omnipresent temptation to apply more complex statistical tortures to the body of data until it finally yields up certain preconceived results.

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ENGAGEMENT AND PREMATURE MARRIAGE

Courtship is an intensely personal business but after a time, if the couple feel fairly sure that they are right for each other, they will want to start making long-term plans for being together. This will usually mean getting married. The bridge between courtship and marriage is engagement. Ideally this is a public declaration to the world that the two like each other greatly, are basically well adapted to one another, have done their ‘homework’ during courtship and are setting out to make a life together.

If at any time courtship fails and the relationship ends it is very sad. However, the partners should know much more about themselves and the opposite sex than they did before. They may even realise their choice was incorrect, learn the lesson and do better next time.

Of course, not every courtship, nor even every engagement, ends in marriage and it is helpful to know what the commonest reasons for ‘failure’ are, so that a couple can see these worrying signs in their relationship.

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SELECTION AND COURTSHIP: COURTSHIP

Once a choice has been made this is hardly the end of the matter. The chosen partner should be explored and the potential for longterm happiness further assessed. At this stage the best advice, based on the evidence, is to avoid copulation. Anybody can be happy, for a spell at least, in bed. Women, particularly, seem to need a word of caution here. When asked how many occasions you should go out with a man you like and who seems to like you before allowing full sexual activity the majority of young women say at least three! There is some evidence that the threat of AIDS is making people slightly more cautious.

A woman first meeting a man who excites her will use him in her masturbation fantasies from the start. As we point out elsewhere, it seems natural for women to express their emotional feelings by close body contact and sex. All that is required is that she likes the man and that sufficient time has elapsed for her to feel a relationship exists and that she is not a whore. But is this approach wise?

In a relationship which is not intentionally casual the period between first meeting and first intercourse could be called courtship. If a long relationship is hoped for then slow progress needs to be the policy. This is where the scepticism mentioned earlier comes in. The idea can be expressed in a question to one’s self along the lines ‘Can I really believe my luck — after all this time can I really have met someone who understands me and yet still loves me and whom I understand and love more than ever?’ Courtship should be a time for exploration, testing and the establishment of genuine communication. If, at any stage, the relationship is seriously not right, and cannot be made right, it should be abandoned. This is not to say that at the first difficulty it should be given up but rather that the ability to overcome the difficulty should be tested.

At this stage progress is best made out of bed. The point is not that sex is off the menu but that it is taken slowly and gently, stage by stage. In itself it is one test of compatibility and ability to communicate and proceeds whilst the personalities and capacity for mutual interest and happiness are explored. Those who have been in many previous relationships may consider that courtship is unnecessary but it is more essential than ever if a real relationship with the real person is to be established and not just an image of one based on past experiences. Everyone, after all, is different and it is unfair to apply generalisations to others.

So, running in parallel with the social, emotional and psychological development of the relationship, the sexual relationship unfolds. It is part of the learning about each other which goes on in courtship. Progress may take weeks or months and first intercourse may be deferred until marriage but the stages fall into a pattern which recapitulates psychosexual development.

First there is kissing and cuddling. Some people find kissing very exciting but others are indifferent or even dislike it. Now is the time to find out about your partner’s preferences. Deep kissing early on in a relationship may, these days, give rise to anxieties due to the fear of AIDS. Many women love their necks being kissed and their ears nibbled. For others, of both sexes, kissing is a whole body activity and they like the bodies to be pushed together while kissing. Cuddling is probably an under-rated activity. Virtually all women say they love to be cuddled and that cuddling alone can make them feel happy and content. Many men too like cuddling but fear to ask for it or promote it in case they come across as being less than ‘manly’.

The next stage is stimulation over clothes, especially of the woman’s breasts, back, bottom and thighs. She may similarly stimulate the man. Now the special erogenous values of each area to the partner can begin to be learned. Since the relationship is deepening it is best to be open and unashamed about what is required from now on. If such revelations are unacceptable to the other, now is the time to find out. In the same way it is best to be open about your personality and not to try and conceal features which it might be feared are unacceptable. ‘Glasnost’ should be the policy followed. It is foolish to pretend to be something we are not.

The stage which follows is partial, and eventually perhaps total, nudity. No sensible person regards their body as perfect or expects anyone else to be so. Nevertheless women often seem all too keen to draw attention to the real or imagined imperfections of their bodies even before they have shown them to the man. This is a mistake. Those women who complain that men are interested only in their bodies for sex underestimate the extent to which Mother Nature has made men susceptible to the beauties of the female body. Tastes vary, as we said earlier, but men have an appreciation which most find hard to express in any adequate language, and which goes far beyond the genitals. Men too have their anxieties about their bodies which an understanding woman can do a lot to allay. One aspect of love is mutual admiration. At this stage further investigations of erogenous zones and how the partner most likes them to be stimulated is possible.

Some moralists may object to the next stage, which many people, even today, still avoid out of shame, and yet its benefits are enormous. It is the stage of mutual masturbation. It powerfully assists the growth of trust if this stage can be negotiated successfully. The young especially are, due to the influences of their upbringing still exerting a large effect, often very shy and secretive about this aspect of themselves and even more so where a member of the opposite sex is involved.

Ideally the couple should show each other how they like to be stimulated and teach one another to be expert with their genitals. All women masturbate differently so no matter how many previous partners the man has masturbated he knows nothing of the present one until he finds out. Having found out he now has a reliable way of producing an orgasm for her. This increases his confidence and decreases his performance anxiety thereby making penile failure in the future less likely. Eventually the skill can be used before, during and after intercourse to enhance the woman’s pleasure and make orgasm for her more likely. Many men worry about their ability to produce an orgasm for their lover.

Similarly, the woman learns to masturbate her man as well, or better, than he can himself. He becomes used to and confident about ejecting and ejaculating in front of her and, if she does not want or cannot have intercourse in the future, she can still relieve him. In effect she tells him that she accepts his masturbation. This is helpful because many men stop or reduce masturbation when they meet a woman who they know is going to be special. All this involves much more than simply inducing an orgasm, it has to do with learning to do it really well based on the needs of a particular partner.

Even more embarrassing for many, and in many ways even more important, is the uninhibited and honest communication of masturbation fantasies and special needs. This involves deep intimacy and considerable love. Secrets are shared now and used to the benefit of one another. Such revelations are liberating and the gratitude felt towards the partner for accepting and indulging the ‘shameful’ needs is often enduring and life-long. If this level of communication can be achieved nothing is likely to be more difficult in the future.

Finally, when the penis first penetrates the vagina it is not going to be copulatory contact with a stranger but true intercourse with someone loved and understood who loves and understands in return. Most importantly of all it makes the woman and the man real friends and powerful allies. Some people find this level of intimacy and sharing intimidating or even disgusting but in reality it is beautiful. To fail to go through the stage in full means that assumptions are made about the sexuality of the other and this diminishes real love.

Courtship can be a beautiful process too. The couple learn how to behave gracefully, politely and happily with each other, often to the vast relief of agonised parents who see an oaf of a son or a rebellious, moody daughter blossom into the attractive person they always hoped for. As the partners enthuse the other with their interests new horizons begin to open.

During courtship the emphasis should be more on reality than romance. Faults in the other should be perceived realistically and decisions taken as to whether these departures from notions of an ‘ideal’ partner can be overlooked or even turned to advantage. People can, within reason, be as loveable for their faults as their virtues. Courtship too is a time of confession but it is best not to be too detailed for fear of provoking later jealousy.

If at any time courtship fails and the relationship ends it is very sad. However, the partners should know much more about themselves and the opposite sex than they did before. They may even realise their choice was incorrect, learn the lesson and do better next time.

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SELECTION AND COURTSHIP: WHAT INFLUENCES CHOICE?

Some say that opposites attract. Whilst this may be true, it is not often the basis for a good

long-term relationship. For example, a woman whose whole pleasure in life is centred around the home and her relationship with her husband will be unlikely to be happy for long with a man to whom achievement at work and advancement are the main pre-occupations in life. No two people are exactly similar in personality but gross fundamental dissimilarities are no prescription for a happy marriage.

However, some women who regard themselves as having some serious physical or psychological defect say they are attracted to men with the opposite characteristic and it sometimes crosses their mind that if they ever had a baby by him it would, with luck, inherit his and not her characteristics or at least cancel out her ‘defects’ in the child.

Another view is that many people seek to marry a replica of their mother or father. This hypothesis makes sense if the childhood relationship with the opposite sex partner has gone well and been happy or if it has been a failure. In the latter case the individual may unconsciously seek to return to childhood and’re-work, the relationship in the hopes of a happier outcome. Also the child receives half its genes from the opposite sex parent arid so is similar to him or her to some extent. Therefore choosing a partner who is similar in adulthood may involve choosing someone who is similar to our opposite sex partner.

Although it does not seem that there is any noteworthy tendency for people to marry partners who look the same as their opposite sex parent the effect could be more subtle. One’s defences, so to speak, may go down more readily when someone is encountered who, no matter how unconsciously, is seen to have a similar smile, gesture, manner of speaking and personality style of a much-loved and much wanted opposite sex parent. Such a person may be seen almost from the outset as particularly exciting sexually, desirable and loveable. The fact that the first deep relationship of many young men is with an older woman and of many young women with an older man suggests that such an effect exists but it must be stressed that it is not worked out in the conscious mind.

Similarly, for some individuals, a much-loved brother or sister seems to be the unconscious basis of choice and in such cases physical similarities can be important. Some such couples look as if they could be brother or sister. In fact it has been found that men with younger sisters who married women with older sisters were happier than in the reverse situation.

Age is another consideration. Most women marry men one to five years older than themselves. Since boys mature more slowly than do girls this makes sense since they are likely to be equally mature at marriage. However, in the longer term it would make more biological sense for women to marry men about seven years younger than themselves given the longer life-span of women. In fact the happiest marriages have been found to be between women with husbands four to ten years younger than themselves. However, this may be an unsafe guide in general since it is possible that such women are more maternal than average and such men more immature than most or they may have a special need for a mother-like woman.

Since relationships are between personalities and these are independent of age it follows that large age disparities are not necessarily fatal to a happy marriage. In fact if chronological age were disregarded and only the psychosexual (or mental, or emotional, or maturational) age of the partners considered then some couples with very discrepant chronological ages would be found to be the same age psychosexually. Even where the psychosexual ages are discrepant the relationship can still make sense. For example, a mature man with a weak male ego can have a happy relationship with a psychologically immature woman since she badly needs a daddy and to have an adoring and devoted woman boosts his ego. Of course, such a mutually beneficial relationship still needs similarities in the basic personalities if it is to prosper.

Social class also matters if only because attitudes and aspirations are partly governed by class. In consequence people tend to marry in the same social class but men tend to marry ‘down’ more often than do women.

What the available scientific evidence shows is that the more similar people are in background, rearing, attitudes, beliefs, education, intelligence, ambitions, prejudices and so on, the more likely are they to be happy together. Obviously such couples tend to understand each other easily and communication between them is relatively free. This state of affairs is called homogamy. Dealing with someone who has a different cultural or social background to ourselves can be very difficult when it comes to partner selection. Their backgrounds and values are sufficiently different to make it especially difficult, without considerable effort, to understand precisely the feelings their speech and behaviour are intended to convey. For this reason inter-racial marriages can be fraught unless the partners have been brought up in similar cultures. However, for some individuals, marriage to a foreigner is an advantage for reasons which may often ultimately spring from sexual guilt; that is to say, the foreign partner is very different from the opposite sex parent and in consequence unhampered sexual and emotional inter-action is possible with them even if they find it difficult to have sex with a partner of the same race.

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MYTH: MEDICATIONS RARELY CAUSE IMPOTENCE

Fact: This is false. Many men fail to make the connection between medications and impotence, but there is a strong one—a fact that many physicians neglect to tell their patients (see chapter 3).

It’s important to realize, though, that individuals react differently. A drug that causes problems in Harry may have little or no effect on Paul. And although certain types of medications are well known as possible impotence-causers, knowledge in this area is changing and increasing so that in the future perhaps even more drugs will be identified as causing potency difficulties. In general, stopping the medication that’s causing the problem will clear it up. (Always consult your doctor first.)

But remember that drugs in combination with other drugs and everyday substances can have an effect far more powerful than the drug alone. A man who takes a pill for his cold, has a beer, puts drops in his eyes and smokes a cigarette is ingesting a large number of chemicals. Any one of them may work against his potency. Together, they can wreak havoc on his ability to get or maintain an erection.

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